Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I am available for nakedness
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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