i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
