FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i came on her dog
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
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i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
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The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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