I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
