Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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