i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
