You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
