I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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