it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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