I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
