zippers are such a cool invention
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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