Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm like, not good at living.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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