You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize