i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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