yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
