Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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