I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
