Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
