Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
