Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
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