Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
