Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
