I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
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my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night