Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Is Oprah even human
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
