we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
