literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
