Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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