You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
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Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
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Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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