Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
