that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
