I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
