Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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