wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
