Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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