he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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