Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
