This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
