I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
