i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
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would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
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The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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