He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
