omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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