your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
