You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
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You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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