just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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