everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
