i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Randomize
