Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
