Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
