When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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