Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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