Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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