He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Hippo gnu deer
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
