I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
