dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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