please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
