I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
