remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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