My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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